By Elaina Funk
Ever since the internet became a part of the mainstream, connecting with others seemed to be easier than ever before. Having access to millions (if not billions) of people within just a millisecond created relationships that might not ever exist in the real world, but through these online forums and social media thrived like no other. The thought of meeting your soulmate through the internet, however, seemed completely wack for many until the emergence of websites like match.com or Eharmony - which began to take similar interests and ideas of people and bring them together with the purpose of a relationship or partner. Now, online dating is so incredibly common most people don't bat an eye if you tell them you're meeting up with someone you have never met in the flesh. Especially with apps like Tinder or Bumble which almost present online dating like a game people do in their spare time. In this essay, online dating will be analyzed more closely to better understand how it changes or keeps some of the traditional elements of dating in person. Second, online dating will be further explained through three theories - Knapp’s Stages of Coming Together, Uncertainty Reduction Theory, and Communication Privacy theory. The goal of this paper is to better understand this phenomena through literary sources as well as theory we have learned in class.
Part 1: Literary Review
Online dating is the act of seeking someone out online, on a website that is typically dedicated or has a dedicated section to meeting partners. Some of these websites offer features of finding a platonic relationship, others offer the option to disclose that they are looking for a purely sexual relationship but for the most part - these websites are set out to help connect with individuals with the same intentions.
Seeking out a partner online can be very challenging because of the conventions one must follow when trying to attract a partner. Especially when it comes to apps like tinder where typically it's someone's face that someone sees before they decide to swipe right or not. Usually this initial introduction is only a few seconds, and is the most important. According to Sierra Peters in her article “What Makes You Swipe Right?: Gender Similarity in Interpersonal Attraction in a Simulated Online Dating Context,” she found that one of the strongest predictors of interpersonal interaction, especially in an online context, is physical attractiveness and that the more physically attractive you are the more likely one is to have more interactions on an online dating site (322). Online dating in some ways can replicate the physical world as attractiveness is a common trait many desire in a partner, however what online dating can ignore is the benefit of the doubt that meeting someone in real life might have.
On the topic of what one might seek online being mostly attractive, oftentimes we make ourselves fit this norm of what one wants to see online through tactics of self preservation. According to Crystal D. Wotipka and Andrew C. High, “The process of self-presentation has gained renewed interest online because the Internet expands people’s ability to selectively present personal information. The anonymity available online allows individuals to present their best self, while deleting or editing negative information (283).” This is especially an interesting idea because we assume that those we are seeking out online are being completely truthful, yet we actively present our best selves (while not always completely genuine) on dating sites to bring the bar up so we can attract someone who is similar in attractiveness as we see/present ourselves to be. According to a study done by Toma and Hancock, those who are considered by societal norms to be ‘less attractive’ lied more frequently about their physical appearance, and used photo enhancing technology far more that those who fit societal norms of physical attractiveness (342).
With this frequency of deceit of online dating, many avoid, and refuse to even participate in the practice and stick to more traditional forms of dating. Putting personal information on the internet like your university, age, hometown, or even their distance to you is seen as a turn off to many, showing some of the risks to online dating. “In the US, for instance, a report found that 66 percent of Internet users think that online dating was a ‘dangerous activity’ because it puts personal information on the internet … media coverage of crimes related to online dating may also contribute to people’s perceptions of the risks of online dating (Couch, 118).” It only takes one article of a tinder date gone murder case to set everyone on edge about meeting up with a stranger from the internet. The idea of someone not being entirely truthful about who they are has been around for quite a while.
One of the biggest concerns when online dating is the notorious fear of being ‘catfished.’ Catfishing online is far from editing one's photos to make themselves seem more attractive, rather the act of pretending to be someone you are not entirely. The epidemic of being catfished is so rampant that even MTV has a show completely dedicated to getting retribution for those who are falling victim to this. Most times, the catfish behind the person is someone who is aching to be loved, and resorted to fish out to get that affection through someone elses face. It's like living vicariously through what could have been someone else's eyes and live a life through someone else who fits society's expectations of beauty. There are, however, some risks to catfish, most notably romance scams who morph themselves into the fantasies of those they are preying on, and using the beauty of who they are posing as to get things like money or information. In “Epistolary Affect and Romance Scams: Letter from an Unknown Woman,” it talks broadly about the Nigerian Prince scam that prey on people to give them money in exchange for mutual affection (Steyerl, 57-69). This scam is so effective because it uses an unattainable image of literal royalty and preys on those who are looking for love while online dating.
Online dating, however, is completely voluntary, and can be as open or as anonymous as one wishes to choose. In Margaret Blackstones article titled “Dating Online: A Guide for Greenhorns,” “You're protected by your anonymity as you begin getting to know people electronically first. Most importantly, you have a choice (37).” This mindset is important when approaching online dating, and in the end is entirely the users choice on how little or how much they choose to disclose.
Part 2: Theories
The phenomena of online dating can be explained and analyzed through three major theories in interpersonal studies. These theories are Knapp’s Stages of Coming Together, Uncertainty Reduction Theory, and Communication Privacy theory. This section of the essay will cover the assumptions of each theory, and apply it to the phenomena of online dating.
The first theory is Knapp’s Stages of Coming Together which is a theory used to describe the linear way couples come together through a set of clear cut stages that show the progression of intimacy of a relationship. The main assumption of this theory is that the development of a relationship is linear, and cannot skip steps in order to progress. Even though a relationship cannot skip steps, instances like one night stands still show this. The first stage is the initiating stage, which is where the two parties actually become aware of each other. The next stage is the experimenting stage, which is actually communicating with each other about superficial information often known as the ‘make or break’ stage. Next is the intensifying stage where those superficial conversations become more intimate, and there is a heavy emphasis on using similar patterns of communication to show interest. Next is the integrating stage, where the once two unique individuals merge together to share an identity as a couple. Finally is the bonding stage, where there is a public announcement and declaration of the relationship.
Applying this theory to online dating, there is more emphasis on the first three stages when it comes to this phenomena. Using the app Tinder as an example, we see the initiating stage when the user is given the option to swipe right or not. This is where the parties are first made aware of each other, while maybe not at the same time, both know each other exist. Should both parties swipe right, is where the relationship moves from initiating to experimenting as both parties engage in direct messaging to get to know each other. Disclosure is low so the parties mostly talk about superficial things. If the relationship is made or not is where it moves to the intensifying stage of deciding whether or not to meet up in real life, to which this theory moves less from the online sphere and more into the physical world where it progresses on with the rest of the stages as any other relationship would. The bonding stage might be announced by deleting those dating apps off the couples phones and a public instagram post might be made to complete these stages.
The next theory that will be discussed is the Uncertainty Reduction Theory. URT is best described as our desire as human beings to reduce our uncertainty about a person before moving on with a relationship. Some key assumptions about this theory include the fact that we dislike uncertainty and will use communication to help reduce it, communication does not always help reduce uncertainty, and that unexpected behaviors or disclosure can actually increase uncertainty. Ways that we can reduce our uncertainty is through active, passive and interactive strategies. An example of an active strategy is actuall\y seeking the information without talking to the person we are seeking information about, and this includes things like looking online or talking to a third party. An example of a passive strategy is using observation to seek information about someone, like staring at them from across a bar and so on. Lastly, an example of an interactive strategy is actually asking the individual about themselves in order for them to disclose some things about them.
This theory applied to online dating can be seen through the exchanges of the initial DM’s and online stalking of their social media profiles. When it comes to online dating, using passive strategies are difficult because you don't actually have access to that person, therefore you cannot observe them without having some kind of intention. However, interactive strategies are commonly used when initiating those first DMs. By actively asking superficial questions like what you do for work, where do you go to school, you are interacting with that individual to lower your uncertainty about them. When looking more into an individual online, many will resort to looking them up on social media to see how they present themselves to the world, which is an example of active strategy to reduce uncertainty. Going into a relationship that stems from not even physically meeting the person can heighten uncertainty by quite a bit, but using these strategies are some of the ways that online dating users use to make these relationships more approachable.
Finally, there is Communication Privacy Theory which deals with the tensions that we face with disclosing information and maintaining our privacy, which is very important to online dating users. Some assumptions include the establishment of privacy as a possession, setting boundaries of what is private information and what isn't, and that privacy control drives privacy management. 5 main factors that coordinate the control of information are culture, relationships, gender, personality, and disclosure motivations and this is what drives us to disclose more about ourselves and not. Maintaining these boundaries requires cooperation between both parties involved, and if one party does not cooperate, this turns into boundary/privacy turbulence which can affect the relationship.
Applying this theory to online dating in some ways connects to our need for reducing uncertainty. This theory, however, relies heavily on the first principle of CPM, which is the establishment of rules in the relationship, and who gets to control information. When couples meet online, the rules are a bit different and more loose because of one of the main factors, which is the relationship. Starting out - information can be handled for the most part freely, as the relationship has not yet been established. We have all seen screenshots of horrible pickup lines on dating apps, but where does that control of that person's information come into place? Did they consent to their words being broadcast out into the world? Another thing that affects this theory is the motivations for disclosure, and how that is used to keep information private. Sometimes, disclosing things might be motivated because one party feels strongly for the other. Seeing a dumb pick up line screenshot is a bit different from seeing someone pour their heart out to another on one of those apps, and the right to manage that informaton will be a bit more motivated to keep it private.
Part 3: Reflection and Implications
Online dating is constantly changing as technology changes, so studying this phenomena is incredibly different from studying it say 5-10 years ago. This form of dating started out on a desktop computer and used algorithms to physically match those who have similar interests together, so the process was very mechanical and didn't always work out. Now, we have all of our options for partners at the palm of our hands and are able to choose who we match with ourselves. Contemporary dating apps also rely heavily on the idea of both parties’ consent as matching with someone on an app like Tinder can be a sign to initiate with the relationship progression. With older dating websites, you can definitely choose to block those you are not interested in, but there is something far more scientific about the process than how it works now. My first implication about this phenomena is that studying and analyzing it is tricky because of the technology around it and how it is constantly changing as time goes on.
Another implication for online dating is that attitudes around online dating are also changing more and more apps like Bumble or Tinder are used. Admitting that you participated in an online dating website holds a very negative connotation if you said it 10 years ago. You’ll hear expressions like “i prefer to be old fashioned” or even are intimidated at the idea of meeting someone not face to face and being able to form a romantic connection with that person even before you officially meet them. Attitudes around online dating are changing heavily and it is in fact more and more acceptable to say that you met your husband on Tinder or Bumble.
Conclusion
In conclusion, online dating is rapidly changing more and more and it is very possible that what we view as online dating will be wildly different from what we will see it evolve to in the future. In this essay, we discussed online dating as a phenomena looking at it through three theoretical lens’: Knapp’s Stages of Coming Together, Uncertainty Reduction Theory, and Communication Privacy theory. Afterwards, we discussed some of the implications around this phenomena and how it is constantly changing and being viewed differently every single day. Online dating, while still a fairly new phenomena, is by far one of the most disclosure requiring phenomenons we have seen in recent years, as it requires both parties to cooperate in order for there to be any kind of relationship that happens. Online dating, while taken as a joke to many, is the newest and one of the most efficient forms of meeting a significant other to date.
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